The Inebriated Boss

Ring Ring Ring...

"Hello?" I answer the phone wearily as I get dressed for work... it's my boss, who, the night before, called me about 6 times because she had been driven to our favorite restaurant by her date of the month...to meet our friends but had become too drunk to drive to that restaurant... now has explained needed a ride to get her car th next morning... She tells me multiple times on the phone the night before that she would need a ride... but couldn't state that she didn't need a ride at the present moment.. just the following morning.... It too me several attempts to question her on whether or not she needed a ride.. plus a phone call to few mutual friends...

"I've got good news and bad news."

Great... she's going to throw up in my car... but she's optimistic she'll make it at least until I can pull over.

"Okay... what's that?"

"You don't have to pick me up this morning." YAY "But you do have to go to court for me...."

Where was the law school class on this one? I would love to see the essay on that!

My pride has taken a bigger hit than Scar's in the lion king...

I'm almost 27. I'm highly educated. I'm quite intelligent... if I do say so myself.... however.. after the lovely boss decided to fire me or let me go.. however you want to put it to save face I've been left picking up the peices of my life. Where I may seem to have it all together to some... behind closed doors... I've been too upset to go back to my townhouse because 1)my roommate is a terrible human being and I can't stand to be around her... and 2) I've got some sort of comfort from sleeping on my brother's bottom bunk and watching Disney each night before I go to sleep.

I'm 27 and I'm moving back home. I can't afford to pay rent/school loans/car payments/ and misc bills. So I'm taking to a YARD SALE Easter weekend... to sell my couch a few sets of dishes and my washer and dryer. Then I will tuck my tail between my legs and once again move back into my parents home as a young adult that has temporarily failed at life. Didn't I scoff at people moving back home after college? Moving back home as a attorney --- woorrseee. This never happened to Elle Woods!

Did I mention I signed up for unemployment?Luckily I did it online... I don't know if I could take going down there. What do you even wear to go down there? Sweats? I know you don't take a prada bag. Which doesn't matter because I don't have one....

Will I ever be at a point where I'm not relying on people to get by?

Warning Sign One --- How You're Hired-- through an email may not be the most professional means to become employed...

My boss met my mother through an event at my dance studio which involves 3 things -- Stripping..Gossip... and Drinking. We have a strip tease class which is actually rather classy if you ask me... My boss - Madame Hearsay was there... and a bit tipsy. She basically hired me on the spot once my mom told her I was graduating in a few weeks and would be moving back home.

How did I impress her? A half dozen emails between us speaking of what my goals were, my personal life, and her giving a bit of advice. I was thinking "This is too good to be true!" It was. I met her once two weeks before I began working. She came in on a Saturday to meet me at the office. While we were speaking about my future at her firm -- she was starring at herself in the mirror behind me. She kept adjusting her fake pony tail and touching the skin around her eyes... She barely looked at me.

The day I started, I had three tax documents thrown on my desk. I was put in a desk in the front office next to the secretary which made my legal advice easily accessible to all clients that came into the office or criminals who would eventually become clients. I didn't have an office for the first three or so months that I worked there. So .. in the meantime ... I pretended to be a legal secretary so I wasn't bothered for free legal advice. Who knew that this would be the treatment I would receive from all the girls in the office and my boss up until my departure?

The day after I started I was left with the office witch. Literally, this woman made me cry twice the week I started. The legal secretary told my boss to call and check on me to make sure I didn't quit before they got back. She was hard nosed and rather fussy --- but eventually I grew to like and respect her. She was the only one in the office who didn't say one thing and really mean another. If she said something --- albeit in a mean manner--- she meant it. Things like "I don't know what this shit is" or ... "You're such a titty-baby!"

I was given assignments without guidance. I learned quickly... it was baptism by fire. I was in a sink or swim mode. I was all on my own for ten days while my boss and the legal secretary were touring Europe. I kept thinking... Wait for it.. they will be back soon and I'll get guidance! The day they were supposed to return -- they both had some sort of virus. They missed their flight. My boss threw up all over the rental car-- and then the legal secretary threw up because she touched my boss' vomit on the steering wheel.

O-M-G...

I knew from this point on --- I was going to have to fend for myself... but it has to get better ... right? W----r---oooooo--n--g.

Unemployed Lawyer... Trend?

On Tuesday... I was let go. Technically, I was taken off of payroll and am still expected to do my job without consistent pay. Now I'm officially an unemployed attorney with student loans out the hoo hah and I've never felt better. I can't say that I'm upset. I think the correct description for now would be that I'm relieved. No longer will I have to take the blame for things that aren't my fault, no longer will I have to clean up pee or poop in my office, no longer will I have to show up to Hearings with last minute notice...no longer will I have to deal with lack of boundaries that I've dealt with for a long time... in fear that I'll be fired..I've been fired. It's not too bad. I feel like the really awesome girl on Fairly Legal...

Monday, I'll be heading to the unemployment office. Right now... I'm heading to the law school to use the free resources in order to cover a deed for a lady.

I can't really tell you why I was let go. My boss gave me numerous reasons and they changed often. My boss refused to give me the list of things I was doing wrong because she said it was too long. She simply put the blame on me (which the blame often falls on others at this office) and then she told me I could stick around and pay rent and continue to help her for less pay. My first reason I received was "You love your other business, your boyfriend, and pinterest  more than your job." This I almost found humorous considering who doesn't prefer their personal life and their hobbies over work? The second reason was -- You haven't been here enough in the past two weeks. I'm sorry -- wait--- I took the first vacation since I started here in the last two weeks... that vacation included 2 days off work... and before that... my grandmother quickly passed away and I had to help my family. I guess funerals and vacations are too much to ask for...

See why I'm relieved?

Now that I've left off my steam.. I'll be writing a lot more openly about how the office ran. I'm hoping that people will learn from the warning signs I ignored...

Am I bitter? I think so.

Split ends... Bright Lights.. and Aflac's lack of coverage for Mental Instability.

I haven't written in numerous months... and that's simply because life got in the way. Things I've done since my last email...

1. Disney World - ran a marathon... in Disney
2. Vegas
3. Been tested for ADHD -- awaiting results
4. Been to a counselor regarding my career, family, and love life...
5. Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Years 
6. Covered the office while Madame Hearsay was out of the country for 2 weeks... like swimming with sharks
7. Run my other business like crazy...
8. Started a new website for Uncontested Divorces
9. Had multiple CLEs I had to pay for and attend (as if the 200k I put into law school wasn't enough)
10. While in Vegas - dealt with student loans going up to 10x the amount they were --- now 1/2 my income covers student loans... so much so I can't pay my bills plus my loans. Thanks Sallie Mae and Department of Education.
11. Started taking Ambien so I can sleep at night...
12. Dealt with multiple family emergencies and friend's emergencies
13. Feeling completely lost..

IWC is baaaack

Madame Hearsay and I have a trial... it was a case where the man cheats on his wife of over 20 years ... ditches her for his new girlfriend.... offers up personal property of the children to her to act like it's some generous gift when in reality.. he's giving his children their own cars and masquerading it as generosity toward his wife. After an extremely depressing quick settlement that dissolves a marriage full of lies, deceit, and pain... we get off the elevator... and there's IWC sitting outside the probate court..

His hair is long, greasy, and flowing down his shoulders into a sea of gray.... his mustache is also flowing down his face into his hair... and  he's still wearing his goodyear shirt.. he's holding his cane across his wide open legs and he's staring blankly toward us. Madame Hearsay started waving like crazy attempting to get his attention...

"Stop it!!!" I yell, thinking the last thing we need is a visit by IWC this week.
"But... But it's Insane With a Cane!!!" She squeals.
"Noooo.... he will show up at the office if we wave at him." I say hesitantly.

We get back to the office where Prince Pro Bono quickly informs us that there are no worries because IWC is getting committed. He won't have to worry about being homeless because he's now going to be living at the crazy house....

Two days later the familiar red car pulls up. Princess Pearl, Princess Prima Donna, and I are discussing some case or subpoena.  We scream to the office manager on the front porch "Stop smoking and get inside!!! Immediately!!!!"  We lock the doors... close the blinds and run to the next door... Lock it as well.. Prince Pro Bono is so scared he runs outside... gets in his car... and gets ready to drive off in case IWC comes around the back of the office.

The phone rings.

Princess Prima Donna Answers, "Law Office.."
IWC mumbles, "Uh, is Prince Pro Bono there?"
Princess Prima Donna: "No he's out of town..."
IWC gets frustrated: "Will you tell him I have hearing next week and I need him to go to that hearing."
Princess Prima Donna: "Yes you have a Hearing on Wednesday on the commitment."
IWC: "I know. I checked myself out. Tell Prince Pro Bono I am not staying there and want to start a suit against them for committing me in the first place."
Princess Prima Donna starts laughing... but takes his number so we can act like Prince Pro Bono will take this seriously...

So now he's out... and he's angry...

Re: What to Wear to Court

Before becoming a lawyer... my idea of what people wore to court was considerably off.  In my head people didn't step into the courthouse unless they were dressed in their best church clothes (and if they didn't go to church in their best first date clothes). I thought not only would the clients be dressed the best they could possibly dress in order to impress the judge but also all of the lawyers would be in their freshest and most sleek attire.  Though, this last part may have to do with the fact that you constantly hear that you must wear black close toed pumps, drab dress suits, and an assortment of either black, gray, dark blue, or white to court.

The first few times I go to court, my life is a blur because I'm too nervous to observe what people are wearing.  It isn't until I go a few times that I realize.. not everyone is quite as nicely dressed as I expected them. In actuality, even some of the lawyers are rather flustered and looking disheveled. One woman actually had on an outfit from the 80's.  Her hair was full of frizz and hardly combed.  She had on white flip flops, and a blue short sleeve long dress with orange and white triangular patterns across her chest. SERIOUSLY?

The second most offensive non lawylerly attire on a lawyer in court appeared a few months later.  The lawyer was called up to the bench to discuss settlement options. She had on a black knit cardigan/shawl that resembled those blankets you have at your grandmothers that really don't keep you warm because they have holes all over them. This cardigan hung slightly below the woman's black knit skirt that was about 5 inches above her knee. She topped it off with some black go-go boots that had fringe hanging from the knee. Yes, I said fringe.

I won't mention the ill fitting suits because frankly, I get it. There is a lot of stress in this job and finding a suit to fit takes not only time, but also being able to continuously being able to fit into that suit for a consistent period of time which also means finding time to work out.  However, I do have a few suggestions later on to discuss the mention how you can find clothes at an affordable price to fit you and your budget. (I'll get to that at a later date)

If I were a judge I would be soooooooooo upset seeing people dressed the way I've seen. I've decided I'd write a letter to my future clients in order to prepare them for court. However, this doesn't JUST apply to them, but it also applies to you lawyers.

Dear Client,

I understand that this is a very depressing time for you not only emotionally, but also financially.  During this time, I get that you cannot go to the mall and pick out clothes at expensive boutiques just to wear to Court. However, when you roll out of bed in the morning, what you wore to sleep in is not the proper attire to address the Judge. Things to avoid that I have seen in court are:

1.  Pajamas of any form or kind. This includes the house slippers that you wore around your house as well. I don't know who raised you but if you think wearing pajamas to anything but bed is acceptable and will have a Court of Law render any type of beneficial decision for you, think again.  Pajamas are not even acceptable if you have the flue and have to come to court.
2. Sweat pants: These are a form of lounge attire that you should only wear around the home and to bed.
3. Jeans: These are fantastic for a weekend out, a second date, going out to the club, or even casual Friday. The Court system should NOT be seen as casual Friday.  Perhaps a dark wash is acceptable, but please refrain from any with holes in them, studs on the pocket, or extremely tight jeans. 
4. T Shirts: Pay close attention to any messages that state alcohol, school logos, or drug paraphenalia can and will be used against you in a court of law. 
5. Any shirt that is excessively revealing. This includes bedazzled halter tops, tube tops, or simple spaghetti tanks. We understand this is how you normally attract the fellows, but the judge will NOT be impressed with your butterfly tattoo sprawled across your chest.(Also, wear a bra. If you can see the straps then that's a good sign that you should be wearing a more conservative shirt.)
6. A Goodyear shirt that you haven't washed in 6 months. Please, really, don't do this.

If you have any questions regarding what is proper attire and what is not, just let me know.  I like to think of what you would wear to court as what you would want to wear to church, a first date, or even a family holiday.  Please refrain from anything you could wear to bed, or to a slumber party.

Thank you,

Lady Hearsay