IWC is baaaack

Madame Hearsay and I have a trial... it was a case where the man cheats on his wife of over 20 years ... ditches her for his new girlfriend.... offers up personal property of the children to her to act like it's some generous gift when in reality.. he's giving his children their own cars and masquerading it as generosity toward his wife. After an extremely depressing quick settlement that dissolves a marriage full of lies, deceit, and pain... we get off the elevator... and there's IWC sitting outside the probate court..

His hair is long, greasy, and flowing down his shoulders into a sea of gray.... his mustache is also flowing down his face into his hair... and  he's still wearing his goodyear shirt.. he's holding his cane across his wide open legs and he's staring blankly toward us. Madame Hearsay started waving like crazy attempting to get his attention...

"Stop it!!!" I yell, thinking the last thing we need is a visit by IWC this week.
"But... But it's Insane With a Cane!!!" She squeals.
"Noooo.... he will show up at the office if we wave at him." I say hesitantly.

We get back to the office where Prince Pro Bono quickly informs us that there are no worries because IWC is getting committed. He won't have to worry about being homeless because he's now going to be living at the crazy house....

Two days later the familiar red car pulls up. Princess Pearl, Princess Prima Donna, and I are discussing some case or subpoena.  We scream to the office manager on the front porch "Stop smoking and get inside!!! Immediately!!!!"  We lock the doors... close the blinds and run to the next door... Lock it as well.. Prince Pro Bono is so scared he runs outside... gets in his car... and gets ready to drive off in case IWC comes around the back of the office.

The phone rings.

Princess Prima Donna Answers, "Law Office.."
IWC mumbles, "Uh, is Prince Pro Bono there?"
Princess Prima Donna: "No he's out of town..."
IWC gets frustrated: "Will you tell him I have hearing next week and I need him to go to that hearing."
Princess Prima Donna: "Yes you have a Hearing on Wednesday on the commitment."
IWC: "I know. I checked myself out. Tell Prince Pro Bono I am not staying there and want to start a suit against them for committing me in the first place."
Princess Prima Donna starts laughing... but takes his number so we can act like Prince Pro Bono will take this seriously...

So now he's out... and he's angry...

Re: What to Wear to Court

Before becoming a lawyer... my idea of what people wore to court was considerably off.  In my head people didn't step into the courthouse unless they were dressed in their best church clothes (and if they didn't go to church in their best first date clothes). I thought not only would the clients be dressed the best they could possibly dress in order to impress the judge but also all of the lawyers would be in their freshest and most sleek attire.  Though, this last part may have to do with the fact that you constantly hear that you must wear black close toed pumps, drab dress suits, and an assortment of either black, gray, dark blue, or white to court.

The first few times I go to court, my life is a blur because I'm too nervous to observe what people are wearing.  It isn't until I go a few times that I realize.. not everyone is quite as nicely dressed as I expected them. In actuality, even some of the lawyers are rather flustered and looking disheveled. One woman actually had on an outfit from the 80's.  Her hair was full of frizz and hardly combed.  She had on white flip flops, and a blue short sleeve long dress with orange and white triangular patterns across her chest. SERIOUSLY?

The second most offensive non lawylerly attire on a lawyer in court appeared a few months later.  The lawyer was called up to the bench to discuss settlement options. She had on a black knit cardigan/shawl that resembled those blankets you have at your grandmothers that really don't keep you warm because they have holes all over them. This cardigan hung slightly below the woman's black knit skirt that was about 5 inches above her knee. She topped it off with some black go-go boots that had fringe hanging from the knee. Yes, I said fringe.

I won't mention the ill fitting suits because frankly, I get it. There is a lot of stress in this job and finding a suit to fit takes not only time, but also being able to continuously being able to fit into that suit for a consistent period of time which also means finding time to work out.  However, I do have a few suggestions later on to discuss the mention how you can find clothes at an affordable price to fit you and your budget. (I'll get to that at a later date)

If I were a judge I would be soooooooooo upset seeing people dressed the way I've seen. I've decided I'd write a letter to my future clients in order to prepare them for court. However, this doesn't JUST apply to them, but it also applies to you lawyers.

Dear Client,

I understand that this is a very depressing time for you not only emotionally, but also financially.  During this time, I get that you cannot go to the mall and pick out clothes at expensive boutiques just to wear to Court. However, when you roll out of bed in the morning, what you wore to sleep in is not the proper attire to address the Judge. Things to avoid that I have seen in court are:

1.  Pajamas of any form or kind. This includes the house slippers that you wore around your house as well. I don't know who raised you but if you think wearing pajamas to anything but bed is acceptable and will have a Court of Law render any type of beneficial decision for you, think again.  Pajamas are not even acceptable if you have the flue and have to come to court.
2. Sweat pants: These are a form of lounge attire that you should only wear around the home and to bed.
3. Jeans: These are fantastic for a weekend out, a second date, going out to the club, or even casual Friday. The Court system should NOT be seen as casual Friday.  Perhaps a dark wash is acceptable, but please refrain from any with holes in them, studs on the pocket, or extremely tight jeans. 
4. T Shirts: Pay close attention to any messages that state alcohol, school logos, or drug paraphenalia can and will be used against you in a court of law. 
5. Any shirt that is excessively revealing. This includes bedazzled halter tops, tube tops, or simple spaghetti tanks. We understand this is how you normally attract the fellows, but the judge will NOT be impressed with your butterfly tattoo sprawled across your chest.(Also, wear a bra. If you can see the straps then that's a good sign that you should be wearing a more conservative shirt.)
6. A Goodyear shirt that you haven't washed in 6 months. Please, really, don't do this.

If you have any questions regarding what is proper attire and what is not, just let me know.  I like to think of what you would wear to court as what you would want to wear to church, a first date, or even a family holiday.  Please refrain from anything you could wear to bed, or to a slumber party.

Thank you,

Lady Hearsay

Jackie O would love this dress...

I wake up with a head cold... Madame Hearsay is out of the country so I'm battling her work, my work, oh and the cherry on top.... Client Co Counsel. I have yet to tell you the latest on his shenanigans. He's probably the devil. So I'm feeling terrible and about to go pick up Ninja Pooper to take him to the office because he is sad he's not able to come to the office while she's out of the country.

Anyways, I'm meeting with a client of ours from Florida. I haven't met this woman in person before but everyone's first impression of me regardless of my bitchy and hardball lawyer personality is summed up in the phrase, "What, are you like, 12?"

So I prepare myself for meeting with this client and her panicked response to my youthful appearance. I put on my best cotton JackieO  little black dress and deny myself the hot pink sundress I really want to put on... or the dress from anthropologie with the cute little giraffes on a carousel...

Simple... Classic.. Black dress..

I slick my hair back thinking I should probably put it in a bun because a ponytail will look youthful as well.

I walk into the living room and my mother's response, "Are you channeling Robert Palmer?"

Why yes... I am addicted to love.... but it looks like I'm wearing my hair down as usual. Here come the daycare remarks.

Midol doesn't fix crazy

Here is your mid-week comedy. There are two other lawyers in our office besides Madame Hearsay and myself. One of which takes on the most destitute cases, you’d think he definitely drew the short straw when it came to his Lawyerdom. (That’s kingdom in lawyer land). We refer to this lawyer as Prince Pro Bono due to his soft heart and lack of finances pouring in from the craziest clients you’ll ever meet.

Prince Pro Bono is very handsome with a beautiful wife. Let’s call her Princess Pro Bono. She’s extremely smart and working in a lucrative male dominated realm, yet still finds the time every day to come have a healthy, stinky fied lunch with Prince Pro Bono every day. They’re both gorgeous and in shape and completely intelligent.

Now Prince Pro Bono is taking on these terrible cases knowing they lack the funding. He continues to stay on these cases even though these people only pay $200.00 and then never ever bring in another dime. He should clearly be on some charity list as the best lawyer who ever lived. Not one of these clients understands exactly how good of a deal they are getting though. They seem to think that every lawyer would take their phone calls and show up for court when they stopped paying two years beforehand and never show any intentions of paying.

To illustrate how wonderful and good hearted this guy is, I’m going to tell you a little story:

Insane With A Cane or “IWC” for short stumbled into our office one afternoon while my desk had yet to be moved to my new office. I was side by side with the legal assistant Princess Prima Donna.  This often lead to people walking up to me first and asking me for information regarding legal services and having direct access to their lawyer without appointments or any type of boundary for me.

I was slightly put off by his appearance. He dressed in a ratty old Goodyear shirt, gray shorts, dirty old sneakers, and had the general shape of a walrus walking on two feet. He resembled the Boss in the Sonic the Hedgehog games, except that he was dirty with a homeless aura around him. He used a cane to walk and moved very slowly. (This is a very good factor as we can get up and lock the door before he knocks since he has a tendency to show up without calling first.) Then he began to talk. His voice was thick with the sound of smoking for many years.

IWC: “Is Prince Pro Bono here? I need to meet with him. I’m getting a divorce”

Princess Prima Donna: “He’ll be back from court soon, just wait outside in the hallway.”

Normally, this is where the client fills out paperwork and leaves everyone alone. He steps outside only to return a few minutes later.

IWC: “You know, I don’t want the divorce. My wife does. I guess she doesn’t want me around anymore. However, I have to say she doesn’t even know how good she’s got it. She won’t do things with me that other men would make her do so fast. Those boys in the country, they don’t play, they’ll make her go down on them. I’m just protecting her. I’m going to show her. I’m on them dating sites, like where I met her. I’m going to get a girlfriend from another country… again”

He goes in for his appointment. We’re slightly disturbed but it gets worse. He returns a few days later. Again, without an appointment…(I pretend that I’m taking notes to give to Pro Bono when in reality… I’m writing down the whole story!)

IWC: “I need to see Prince Pro Bono. I’m concerned for my children. My wife… you know she gets crazy during that time of the month, if you know what I mean. I know the Judge is going to Order her to take her pills. He’s going to Order her to take that Midol. I know this because she’s crazy without it. I keep her sane now because I’ll break up those pills and mix them into her coffee. I can’t do that now!”

Princess Prima Donna: “Prince Pro Bono is not here and the Judge is not going to Order her to take Midol. Midol doesn’t fix crazy.”

He waits for Prince Pro Bono. Turns out not only is he concerned for that time of the month when it comes to his wife, but he’s also concerned because he’s decided he wants to become a woman. He has asked Prince Pro Bono to call him by his female name from now on and has already decided to start on hormone treatments to start growing breast and to create a softer appearance.

Yes, hormone treatments for a softer appearance. I don’t know how an overgrown walrus with a limp would look as a woman but I assure you it won’t be a pretty sight. We also learn that he has molested his daughter by kissing her and grabbing her breasts. His excuse being “I’m just showing you what to look out for when the other boys do it!”

His case is over. Total Paid: $700. He still comes by unannounced because now he’s living in a homeless shelter. (She got the house, the kids, and everything else except the Goodyear shirt off his back.) He now fears that he’ll get raped by some men at the shelter. I find this doubtful...

I'd like you to meet your fellow classmates...

Yay! You’ve been accepted into law school. If you’re like me, you’ve prepared for this since the time you were seven. You knew what classes you wanted to take in middle and high school. You focused primarily on your History, Social Studies and English classes in middle and high school. You religiously watch Ally McBeal and rent every lawyer type movie you can think of hoping knowing if you relate to these fictional lawyers, you’re going to be the best lawyer ever!

You bust your butt in high school to get into a good college. You bust your butt in college to make your transcripts scream Lawyer with a twist. You study foreign languages because of course every lawyer should speak multiple languages because it is definitely a skill you’d need if you were to travel out of the country. You also pick one of the top “I’m obviously going into law school majors” such as English, Political Science, Criminal Justice, or History (otherwise known as “If I don’t get into law school I better be able to become a professor or I’ll be unemployed majors.”

You study your butt off for the LSAT which is one of the most difficult tests you’ve ever taken. It includes hours of reading passages and answering questions based on those passages, puzzles, and comparison questions. This test is completely useless as to whether or not you’ll do well in law school in my personal opinion. However, I got all but one of the puzzle questions right, so I’m not too angry. Puzzles rule.

The letters start rolling in decidedly letting you know where you’ll be spending the next 3 years. Luckily, I got into the law school I wanted to get into. All my friends whose majors included Interior Design, Criminal Justice, and English were left with one more year and then they had to fight unemployment. I knew when I got out of law school I’d rock my lawyerly ways. I figured even though my BFFs in undergrad were not as career sure or career driven as I, these people would be. I’m not sure how I felt about that.

I loved my friends in undergrad. They were laid back and artsy. They provided me with insight to what it is like for the other people in undergrad to have no idea what exactly they wanted when they got out of school. I still didn’t get it because I knew what I wanted from the first time I put a suit on my Barbie doll and called her lawyer Barbie. However, these girls are still on the feet and rocking what they do… although…their current careers have nothing to do with their college majors. Eh, so what?

I get to law school completely unsure of whom I’m going to meet. If you’re about to hit that path, here are the people you’ll meet throughout your three years. These people are completely different from each other but we mesh… and it’s what makes law school.

1. The Midnight Toker: This guy is a total pothead. He’s completely intelligent and not only answers questions from professors in an intelligent way but also always with a hint of sarcasm that turns every time he gets called on into an amusing break of tension. You’ll often see this guy for a few weeks and then not see him again for a month or so. You wonder how he takes such a laid back approach to law school and it irritates you… but you also have mad respect for someone to tackle such a difficult education with ease and lack of anxiety.
2. The Ex Sorority & Fraternity Royalty: These people have yet to realize they’re no longer going to mixers with their sorority and fraternity buds. They still wear their t shirts every day and make quick friends with people in law school that were in their sorority or fraternity at the other schools. These people immediately start dating each other and ignore everyone else. They make friends but no one is as close as their buddies they left behind. They even go back for parties at their old undergrads even though they have plenty of opportunities to party with their current comrades. (Don’t get me wrong. I am fine with sorority and fraternity peeps as some of my closest friends were in them, but law school really isn’t about that anymore and certainly isn’t about closing down friendships based on undergrad greek life…)
3. The Know it All: This person is just as described. The Know It All. They know the answer to every question, every thought, and ever desire by professors. They spend their time in the library for hours on end.  They make good grades but from day 1 they’re going for law review. They want to know more than the professor and often snicker if you get called on and don’t know the answer. However, sometimes this person will help someone out and pass a note… or whisper the answer. As you get closer to your classmates this person realizes it’s not always about competition.
4. The Suck Up: This person realizes they’re not the smartest in the world. They’re clever though. They decide they don’t need to go over the top to study for everything; they will flirt and suck up to professors. They start learning the professor’s hobbies and use it to their advantage. This person might … say… purchase an “easy” button from Staples and pass it out to professors for them to use while grading their essays. I kid you not.
5. The Type A Anal Retentive/ Ultimate Competitor: This person is what you think of when you think of law school. Think of Vivian in Legally Blonde. This person only wants those closest to them to succeed and at a lesser degree than them. They don’t want to help out anyone. They often ask you immediately what you chose for certain answers only to explain to you how YOU got it wrong. (Sorry Mr. Type A, I got it right- That’s why I got an A in the class and you got a B – BOOYAH). This person would never help you out if you didn’t know the answer because then they couldn’t give the right answer. This is the person that gets the top jobs, immediately gets the Mercedes, and is hated by everyone at their job and at home.
6. The Mommy: These are the women who start popping out babies during law school and ROCK at it. These women not only make great grades but they also raise kids in the process. They have multitasking down to an art form. Mad props to these ladies.
7. The Advanced Mrs. Decree Applicant: These girls come to law school immaculately dressed and flirt as well as sleep with everyone. How easy would it be to marry rich if you’re IN school with them. There are lawyer choices everywhere. Especially, the first year of law school, these guys have been beat down intellectually! They have low self esteem and high hopes. These girls date their way through friends and once they catch the perfect catch, their grades start dropping and then they start planning on their departure. “Uhm, I think that I really want to go back and get my Masters in English…” or “Uhm, I think I need to focus on my wedding. I’ll come back after we get through this busy planning process.”
8. The Top Sir of Douchery: Sleeps with everyone. Is a complete ass to everyone. Thinks he is the shit. Is pretty much hated by everyone except his girlfriend. Very smart. Ex frat. Lacks any sense of niceties or manners. Isn’t there to make friends. Gets the good job with the Mercedes and burns every bridge along the way. Asshole.
9. The Unsure Fisher of Compliments: Can be summed up with, “I think I did terrible on this paper. I’m not cut out for law school I’m never going to pass this class.” Your turn to respond. GO! Choose from A) You’re going to rock that exam. B) You’re the smartest person I know. No worries! You’ve got this! C) Let’s study together, I’ll get you ready. I know you’ve got this. I know you did great on that paper. You just lack confidence… Yeah, anything else, is the end of that friendship.
10. The Passer of Time: This person goes to law school to figure out what they want to do. Typically, this is an Advanced MRS candidate or someone who immediately goes into another field.
11. The Wanna Be: This person makes mediocre grades, and doesn’t fit into any of the other categories completely but tries to be in each one.  They’re flakey so no one trusts them and they’ll trade up in the friendship ladder if given the chance. They judge everyone and always ask for advice but never take it. They want more than anything to be in the “cool crowd” that they often change their personality every day to fit whoever is around.  This person is not the one you want to be around if you’re a strong willed princess like myself. Which brings me to…
12. The Well Rounded Princess of Awesomeness: This person realizes quickly that if you are just one of the other lemmings, you’ll never be noticed. You have to grow up fast in law school and see who’s your friend and who’s using you. Instead of buying the black lap top you opt for a pink, green, or orange lap top or even use a note book with colored pens. You buy sparkle pens to study. You don’t let law school consume your life. You get hobbies. You don’t dress in black every day. You rock out in pearls, sundresses, and funky cardigans. You bust your butt to make law school work for your life, and you don’t plan your life around law school. You don’t buy in to the crappy advice the professors and career services are throwing out to you such as “Don’t show any originality. Wear only white shirts and gray suits to your interviews.” (On my interview with Madame Hearsay, I wore my cutest Black Jackie O stress with hot pink shiny flats.) You don’t believe that lawyers have to be boring. After all, you’re going to be a lawyer and you’re certainly not boring.

Introduction to Law 101

I've been a bit out of sorts.. I was in a wedding this weekend and had to drive 8 hours total to celebrate the union of one of my closest friends and truly wonderful guy. I'm completely, utterly, excited for her. My advice at the bridesmaid luncheon.. however... was less than fairytale and more realistic.

 "It takes a lot more nerve to work out your problems... to stick with each other... than it does to give up and get a divorce. If it's meant to be... you'll work on it no matter how hard it gets."

I'm not sure how she took it, but I hope I never have her case.

On the way to the wedding, I stopped to have lunch with my best friend from lawschool. Lady Sui Generis.

She's one of the most genuine, nice, charming people you'll ever meet. We met the first day of orientation. You see... They make you wear suits your first day of orientation... you walk around in 100 degree weather from building to building... going to your classes... meeting your classmates...and then at the end of the hot day you take your class photo.. sweaty... hot... and miserable. Everyone looks absolutely terrible. We sat next to each other and immediately hit it off. However, it wasn't until second semester that we realized we were meant to be best friends.

I immediately became friends with a few other people. My best friend my first semester drove me insane. She was controlling, bossy, and self absorbed (a lot like myself). We clashed all the time. She also was neurotic and completely obsessed with grades. She's one of those "what did you get?" people simply to make herself feel better because her grades are better...or close the same. She pulled this stunt until she realized I didn't care ... and because my grades steadily increased after the first semester.

Second semester came... after Christmas. O-M-G! I made it through the first semester of law school!!! In case you don't know, it's the hardest to get through.  I had gained 30 lbs the first semester then lost 14 over Christmas Break. I was ready to conquer second semester. I walk in and realize it's time to make new BFFs... that's when Lady Sui Generis and I became so close. She was taking dance classes during law school... DANCE CLASSES!! How Non lawyer is that?! I bet Elle Woods would have taken dance classes!

We meet up for dance classes and become instant bffs. We then realize, we have the same study habits, ideas about law school, fantastic fashion sense and eye for deals, and we're both unique in our own way. Also, we're not the serious type. She's more of a Christian rocker type with beautiful long brown hair and bright eyes.... while I'm more of a Miley pop princess with red hair and brown eyes.... but we didn't really get to be ourselves until this time. We somehow fit perfectly into the perfect duo of awesomeness.

We start dancing our law school cares away and grades get better.... and I stopped crying myself to sleep every night. My self-esteem sky rocketed.

With that lovely prelude... Lady Sui Generis and I met for lunch on the way to the wedding.... and have come up with my next entry.... The Different Types of Law Students. You'll enjoy this entry. If you're going into law school, you'll know exactly who to avoid or how to handle these people. Those of you who already graduated, you'll get a chuckle out of the memories. Feel free to leave any I left out.

xo

Client Lesson #2 ... Working for those who don't appreciate you

Everyone has a good lawyer joke. It's amazing the amount of lawyer jokes there are calling us not only evil and blood sucking but literally thieves sometimes. It's funny how many times I hear "I was going to be lawyer" or "I thought about being a lawyer" and although these bother me from time to time because I feel that these people either feel that they are better than me because they chose something else or just as smart as I am and could do just as much as I could do (not realizing that you have to have thick skin, a heart for the law, and a heck of a lot of brains -- and in my case a killer fashion sense) but that they don't respect it.

My favorite quote spoken by a non client during a deposition.

Madame Hearsay: Well Mr. (let's call him Sir Douchery) Well, Sir Douchery, Are you studying for the bar? You seem to really think you're a lawyer.
Sir Douchery: I would NEVER want to be one of you!

(This story will come later as it is TOO much for one post but it involves a guy who not only objected for himself during a depo but also plead the 5th ... in a domestic case!!)

He's right though. He wouldn't.

Lawyers get a bad rep for taking people's money and ruining their lives. It's not the case.  Most of the time we're trying our best to keep YOU from ruining YOUR life. We get you at your worst. The absolute worst (at least divorce lawyers do). We deal with you when you cry, scream, and hate the person that you either loves for years or loved enough to bring a child into this world. We work day and night to win your case. We jump when you say jump and we often ask how high. Does this come with a price?

Eff yeah it does! I have over 200k in student loans. I'm paying off the minimum amount and living with my parents. You make 180 a year (sometimes less.. sometimes more) and you call me 15 times a day as well as email 30 times a day. You ask me to do insignificant things and I do them to make you feel better. Then you wonder why your retainer has dropped so low.

After we bust our butts for your, sometimes literally. (Madame Hearsay did a tumble during some negotiations last week... and when I say tumble I mean.. stumble... tumble.. door busts open.. bailiff comes running. Priceless.) You then complain about the amount of money spent on your case, babysitting you at your worst. Then you either refuse to pay, or you begrudgingly pay.

It's rare you get a thank you in this job. Client's want minimum expenses with a large output. They want control over the case with veto power but want you to do your best and do it efficiently. They want to stay in the know but not be charged for it. They want you to be free... to use your expertise that you spent years working on... worth a house payment... for them without them having to pay a dime. They want you overprepared and underpaid.

They also google constantly. I think the saying should go "Google is mightier than the sword."

Deep breaths

Who gets lost on her way to work?

That'd be me. I took a shortcut. The same one I take home every single day... except this time.. I took it going to work instead of going home. I end up getting lost!!!

I get to work and we're blocked in front of our building. Truthfully, I don't think they're doing any road work. I think they take pleasure in seeing me stomping from 5 buildings down in my jessica simpson unreasonably tall heels shooting daggers at their direction the entire way.

9:00 AM Co Counsel arrives to drop off some evidence that he has been making. He doesn't ever leave it with me because he likes to keep it within his possession. Retains control of it that way. Princess Pearl (one of the lovely legal assistants in the office) takes off running toward the breakroom where I'm discussing who knows what happily with Madame Hearsay (my boss). She's flustered and spits out "Co Counsel is here.. hide!"

9:05 AM Princess Prima Donna (legal assistant to Madame Hearsay) comes stomping into the break room. "Where are the depositions the court reporter brought yesterday. Co Counsel would like to see them."

Are you kidding me? Normally, when you get depositions YOU look at them so YOU can determine how to question those witnesses and what evidence you have received from their responses... or in his case the lack of responses they gave.

"They're in my office where they belong." This was my snippity response because I'm sick of his freakin' interference!

He leaves them where they belong. Probably because he overheard my response.

Here's the kicker

Princess Prima Donna: "He'd like you to send all the finished questions when you're done."


If it weren't for my cute new springy J Crew white dress with it's little pink flower pattern ... this day would be shot.

Time to go work on Co Counsel's questions so that I can send them to him. Would it be terrible if I sent him fake questions?

Whoever said black is the new pink was seriously disturbed...

4:15 a.m. - Wake up after fighting with the covers for what seems like an enternity. I'm hot, tired, and irritated. My dreams are filled with upcoming Hearings and Depositions. I stress constantly. I stress so much that the only time my body falls asleep without nyqyuil or other sleep aids is on the weekend... when it simply cannot keep going anymore. I grab my phone wondering what time it was thinking if it were within an hour of the alarm I'd just get up. 4:15... ugh.. Email? Hmm.. what's the coupon deal for today?! It's Client Co Counsel. SURPRISE!!

12:30 A.M.
TO: Lady.legal.esquire@gmail.com
FROM: ClientCoCounsel@ahhhhh.com
RE: How I could do your job better:

"Lady Hearsay,

Here's the background information you asked for. I know you said not to write my own questions and to give you the background so you could do your job properly, but I've decided to write my own anyways and send you my reasoning for the questions. Happy reading!!"

Seriously?  Ok, I admit. He didn't write it just like this. It was more of a 20 page email with each question and giving the background information along with a 4 page bitch fest. That's simply the gist of it.

I finally fall back asleep even though my anger kept me up for another hour. When I awaken an hour and a half later, I am still fuming with irritation. I grab a black dress with a houndstooth pattern that you can only see if you look close since it's completely black and with black shoes and begin my day.

I hate Mondays.

After I take a hot shower, I decide the only way for me to start off this week on the right foot is to have 3 cups of coffee and put on something Springy!

In lawschool, I spent the first year trying to dress so that I wouldn't be noticed. I didn't want my professors to call on me, and I actually had one professor that absolutely didn't like females. She... yes she... would cover herself from head to toe and dress very similarly to Professor Umbridge from Harry Potter. She would tell us horror stories about women who would go into court wearing suits with knee high boots, and the Judges would kick them out for their "go-go boots." She stressed that we simply wear black, gray, or brown skirt suits with reasonable pumps. I had so much black in my closet you would have thought I was working at Paul Mitchell.

Then, I lost weight. I stopped caring about what a lawyer is supposed to wear or how they're supposed to act. I gained confidence in my studies. I had passed the first year!!! That's the hardest year in case you're wondering. I wasn't going to be some stuffy lemming that lacked originality and style. After I dropped the weight, I refused to wear black unless paired with brightly colored heels or cardigan (usually a bright shade of pink).

I put back the houndstooth dress which is absolutely adorable but looks too much like my mood. Instead I opt for a bright pink dress, flowery heels, and beige cardigan that has a bird and hearts stitched on the left right over my heart. That's better.

In case you're wondering, the only people who have to wear suits and boring heels are the stuffy lawyers in the huge firms. They're the ones who work 90 hours a week in the office. They drive the nice cars, but no one gets to see them drive them because they are working crazy hours and rarely on the road when everyone else is driving home or to work. They trade a big salary for boring clothes and boring lives.

My fashion is based off the fact that I have a life and though I take my work home with me... I don't live at work. I look more like a walking Lily Pulitzer advertisement except that I'm purchasing most of my clothes at Target right now due to the fact I have the Sallie Mae loan dragons to fight every month. To be completely honest, if I had to buy Target clothes for the rest of my life, I'd be completely happy. I heart Target.

That being said,  whoever said black is the new pink was seriously disturbed...

Client Co Counsel

I'd like to introduce you to the most painful client you'll ever have to deal with.  This guy is the most button pressing, hair pulling, dictating, pain in the butt client you could ever meet. He is the one that not only feels he is as smart as you (if not smarter) but also monopolizes your time. He's the Needy Client Co Counsel.

He is typically a smart man with a job where he's constantly in command... or looked to for his intelligence and advice.(Note - Not legal advice because he's never set foot in law school). He normally has more than the average college education. He is smart and he often says "I could have been a lawyer."

This person sends you an email every hour explaining how he thinks he could win the case.

He writes his own motions even though these motions don't really exist. He bases his Motion on your previous motions then adds in his own information with your writing style attached.

He writes out questions for you for trial using the style you sent to him. Though he doesn't understand that with your 3 years of education in law school... there's a different way you question different types of witnesses so you can't use the same style for everyone.

He calls the office within 5 minutes of each email to see if you have received his six emails he's sent regarding who should go first in trial, why they should go first, what you should ask them, and how you should do it.

He comes into your office with 15 folders full of evidence that not only is useless but time consuming. (Cha ching).

He asks for your advice then continuously ignores it.

He laughs when you call him co counsel to his face.

What he doesn't understand is that in your head... the entire time he thinks he's helping YOU do YOUR job... you're screaming... I didn't spend 4 years in college and 3 years in law school for you to come in after watching one too many law and orders and reading 100 of my emails thinking you can tell me what to do. I didn't ask my professors for their advice on how to word my motions and I certainly don't want your advice.

Don't get me wrong. I get that this is your life. I get that you are smart. What I don't get is how you think you can spend your time thinking up questions, witnesses lists, stalk your witnesses, and creating exhibits without realizing that you're monopolozing my job and making me feel like you don't trust me.

Me: Listen Client Co Counsel... I really don't think we need to ask anyone else to come to these depositions. You're really wasting resources at this time.

Client Co Counsel: I think we should seriously deposition her. We could just ask her all types of questions like " Don't you think if you allow your daughter to be a whore, you're just enabling her?"

Yeah, that's going to go over well. I bet we'll get tons of information from that question. I'm sure she'll immediately open up and sing like a bird once we not only accuse her daughter of being a whore, but also accuse her of enabling it. Leave the lawyering to me.  What I'd love to really counter with is -

"Don't you think having tons of unprotected sex with this whore was enabling her more than her own mother's ignorance???"

Crap. Maybe I should stop going to my doctors and telling them I don't need their expert opinion anymore because I've already web md'd it and know what I have. I just needed them to affirm my self diagnosis.

I bet they think the same way of me as I do Client Co Counsel.

Well, I need some annoyance realization stat for Mr. Client Co Counsel.

Where was the class in law school that explains how to deal with Client Co Counsel?  Perhaps someone could have a CLE on this. I'd certainly love that one!

This is my day to let off steam

Speaking of Steam.. Let me introduce you to Ninja Pooper.

He's about 45 pounds and looks like a cross between a walrus and buddah. He'd be the little fatty that belongs to my boss. He drools, he snorts, he barks when you have food, he smells, and he takes his daily satisfaction in pissing and pooping in my office. At the same time, his pudgy little demeanor and stinky ways add a bit tension relief in the office...

How can you be angry with the world when there is a Buddah Walrus waddling his way into your office?!

He just pooped behind my chair.

It's the second time today.

Ninja Pooper, you're on the shit list.

I don't think he cares. Actually, in between snorts... I think I heard ...

"If I were agile enough, I'd poop on your shit list."

Lady Hearsay, Attorney at Law

I'm a hopeless romantic... that works in the funeral home of love.



That doesn't sum me up, but it does explain this blog. I graduated law school recently and have been working as an associate at Divorce Drama Inc. (haha no that's really NOT the name of my firm). I like my job. I really do. There are just times when I find my job so unbelievable... that I need an outlet.

There are things in law school that they don't tell you. They wouldn't tell you because if they did, you wouldn't take out that house size of a loan, dress in all black (because you must be serious in order to get a job), and think that after you get out of the torture of three years of feeling like a moron ... that you had finally succeeded simply because YOU and maybe 10% of your class have a JOB!!! These deep dark secrets will be revealed slowly as I describe to you what I found out. (Sorry Law School Grads of 2011, you're screwed).

There are classes I think that the law schools around the world should offer like "Know It All Client's" and "Surprise! Your First Trial is Today!" ...

Then there are the clients you need to meet: "Miss. Apeshit", "Mr. Co-Counsel" , "Mr. He/She"... you'll learn more about these later.

In sum, my entire blog here is somewhere for me to get out my deepest darkest thoughts as I stare into my chocolate martini and wonder why my clients feel it is okay to tell me about their nastiest sex fantasies and what their exes won't do... and ponder how my life with it's irritations and upsets... also has a sense of awesomeness that makes it truly unique.

Soap operas have nothin' on divorce court... to be continued.