Who gets lost on her way to work?
That'd be me. I took a shortcut. The same one I take home every single day... except this time.. I took it going to work instead of going home. I end up getting lost!!!
I get to work and we're blocked in front of our building. Truthfully, I don't think they're doing any road work. I think they take pleasure in seeing me stomping from 5 buildings down in my jessica simpson unreasonably tall heels shooting daggers at their direction the entire way.
9:00 AM Co Counsel arrives to drop off some evidence that he has been making. He doesn't ever leave it with me because he likes to keep it within his possession. Retains control of it that way. Princess Pearl (one of the lovely legal assistants in the office) takes off running toward the breakroom where I'm discussing who knows what happily with Madame Hearsay (my boss). She's flustered and spits out "Co Counsel is here.. hide!"
9:05 AM Princess Prima Donna (legal assistant to Madame Hearsay) comes stomping into the break room. "Where are the depositions the court reporter brought yesterday. Co Counsel would like to see them."
Are you kidding me? Normally, when you get depositions YOU look at them so YOU can determine how to question those witnesses and what evidence you have received from their responses... or in his case the lack of responses they gave.
"They're in my office where they belong." This was my snippity response because I'm sick of his freakin' interference!
He leaves them where they belong. Probably because he overheard my response.
Here's the kicker
Princess Prima Donna: "He'd like you to send all the finished questions when you're done."
If it weren't for my cute new springy J Crew white dress with it's little pink flower pattern ... this day would be shot.
Time to go work on Co Counsel's questions so that I can send them to him. Would it be terrible if I sent him fake questions?
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
Whoever said black is the new pink was seriously disturbed...
4:15 a.m. - Wake up after fighting with the covers for what seems like an enternity. I'm hot, tired, and irritated. My dreams are filled with upcoming Hearings and Depositions. I stress constantly. I stress so much that the only time my body falls asleep without nyqyuil or other sleep aids is on the weekend... when it simply cannot keep going anymore. I grab my phone wondering what time it was thinking if it were within an hour of the alarm I'd just get up. 4:15... ugh.. Email? Hmm.. what's the coupon deal for today?! It's Client Co Counsel. SURPRISE!!
12:30 A.M.
TO: Lady.legal.esquire@gmail.com
FROM: ClientCoCounsel@ahhhhh.com
RE: How I could do your job better:
"Lady Hearsay,
Here's the background information you asked for. I know you said not to write my own questions and to give you the background so you could do your job properly, but I've decided to write my own anyways and send you my reasoning for the questions. Happy reading!!"
Seriously? Ok, I admit. He didn't write it just like this. It was more of a 20 page email with each question and giving the background information along with a 4 page bitch fest. That's simply the gist of it.
I finally fall back asleep even though my anger kept me up for another hour. When I awaken an hour and a half later, I am still fuming with irritation. I grab a black dress with a houndstooth pattern that you can only see if you look close since it's completely black and with black shoes and begin my day.
I hate Mondays.
After I take a hot shower, I decide the only way for me to start off this week on the right foot is to have 3 cups of coffee and put on something Springy!
In lawschool, I spent the first year trying to dress so that I wouldn't be noticed. I didn't want my professors to call on me, and I actually had one professor that absolutely didn't like females. She... yes she... would cover herself from head to toe and dress very similarly to Professor Umbridge from Harry Potter. She would tell us horror stories about women who would go into court wearing suits with knee high boots, and the Judges would kick them out for their "go-go boots." She stressed that we simply wear black, gray, or brown skirt suits with reasonable pumps. I had so much black in my closet you would have thought I was working at Paul Mitchell.
Then, I lost weight. I stopped caring about what a lawyer is supposed to wear or how they're supposed to act. I gained confidence in my studies. I had passed the first year!!! That's the hardest year in case you're wondering. I wasn't going to be some stuffy lemming that lacked originality and style. After I dropped the weight, I refused to wear black unless paired with brightly colored heels or cardigan (usually a bright shade of pink).
I put back the houndstooth dress which is absolutely adorable but looks too much like my mood. Instead I opt for a bright pink dress, flowery heels, and beige cardigan that has a bird and hearts stitched on the left right over my heart. That's better.
In case you're wondering, the only people who have to wear suits and boring heels are the stuffy lawyers in the huge firms. They're the ones who work 90 hours a week in the office. They drive the nice cars, but no one gets to see them drive them because they are working crazy hours and rarely on the road when everyone else is driving home or to work. They trade a big salary for boring clothes and boring lives.
My fashion is based off the fact that I have a life and though I take my work home with me... I don't live at work. I look more like a walking Lily Pulitzer advertisement except that I'm purchasing most of my clothes at Target right now due to the fact I have the Sallie Mae loan dragons to fight every month. To be completely honest, if I had to buy Target clothes for the rest of my life, I'd be completely happy. I heart Target.
That being said, whoever said black is the new pink was seriously disturbed...
12:30 A.M.
TO: Lady.legal.esquire@gmail.com
FROM: ClientCoCounsel@ahhhhh.com
RE: How I could do your job better:
"Lady Hearsay,
Here's the background information you asked for. I know you said not to write my own questions and to give you the background so you could do your job properly, but I've decided to write my own anyways and send you my reasoning for the questions. Happy reading!!"
Seriously? Ok, I admit. He didn't write it just like this. It was more of a 20 page email with each question and giving the background information along with a 4 page bitch fest. That's simply the gist of it.
I finally fall back asleep even though my anger kept me up for another hour. When I awaken an hour and a half later, I am still fuming with irritation. I grab a black dress with a houndstooth pattern that you can only see if you look close since it's completely black and with black shoes and begin my day.
I hate Mondays.
After I take a hot shower, I decide the only way for me to start off this week on the right foot is to have 3 cups of coffee and put on something Springy!
In lawschool, I spent the first year trying to dress so that I wouldn't be noticed. I didn't want my professors to call on me, and I actually had one professor that absolutely didn't like females. She... yes she... would cover herself from head to toe and dress very similarly to Professor Umbridge from Harry Potter. She would tell us horror stories about women who would go into court wearing suits with knee high boots, and the Judges would kick them out for their "go-go boots." She stressed that we simply wear black, gray, or brown skirt suits with reasonable pumps. I had so much black in my closet you would have thought I was working at Paul Mitchell.
Then, I lost weight. I stopped caring about what a lawyer is supposed to wear or how they're supposed to act. I gained confidence in my studies. I had passed the first year!!! That's the hardest year in case you're wondering. I wasn't going to be some stuffy lemming that lacked originality and style. After I dropped the weight, I refused to wear black unless paired with brightly colored heels or cardigan (usually a bright shade of pink).
I put back the houndstooth dress which is absolutely adorable but looks too much like my mood. Instead I opt for a bright pink dress, flowery heels, and beige cardigan that has a bird and hearts stitched on the left right over my heart. That's better.
In case you're wondering, the only people who have to wear suits and boring heels are the stuffy lawyers in the huge firms. They're the ones who work 90 hours a week in the office. They drive the nice cars, but no one gets to see them drive them because they are working crazy hours and rarely on the road when everyone else is driving home or to work. They trade a big salary for boring clothes and boring lives.
My fashion is based off the fact that I have a life and though I take my work home with me... I don't live at work. I look more like a walking Lily Pulitzer advertisement except that I'm purchasing most of my clothes at Target right now due to the fact I have the Sallie Mae loan dragons to fight every month. To be completely honest, if I had to buy Target clothes for the rest of my life, I'd be completely happy. I heart Target.
That being said, whoever said black is the new pink was seriously disturbed...
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Client Co Counsel
I'd like to introduce you to the most painful client you'll ever have to deal with. This guy is the most button pressing, hair pulling, dictating, pain in the butt client you could ever meet. He is the one that not only feels he is as smart as you (if not smarter) but also monopolizes your time. He's the Needy Client Co Counsel.
He is typically a smart man with a job where he's constantly in command... or looked to for his intelligence and advice.(Note - Not legal advice because he's never set foot in law school). He normally has more than the average college education. He is smart and he often says "I could have been a lawyer."
This person sends you an email every hour explaining how he thinks he could win the case.
He writes his own motions even though these motions don't really exist. He bases his Motion on your previous motions then adds in his own information with your writing style attached.
He writes out questions for you for trial using the style you sent to him. Though he doesn't understand that with your 3 years of education in law school... there's a different way you question different types of witnesses so you can't use the same style for everyone.
He calls the office within 5 minutes of each email to see if you have received his six emails he's sent regarding who should go first in trial, why they should go first, what you should ask them, and how you should do it.
He comes into your office with 15 folders full of evidence that not only is useless but time consuming. (Cha ching).
He asks for your advice then continuously ignores it.
He laughs when you call him co counsel to his face.
What he doesn't understand is that in your head... the entire time he thinks he's helping YOU do YOUR job... you're screaming... I didn't spend 4 years in college and 3 years in law school for you to come in after watching one too many law and orders and reading 100 of my emails thinking you can tell me what to do. I didn't ask my professors for their advice on how to word my motions and I certainly don't want your advice.
Don't get me wrong. I get that this is your life. I get that you are smart. What I don't get is how you think you can spend your time thinking up questions, witnesses lists, stalk your witnesses, and creating exhibits without realizing that you're monopolozing my job and making me feel like you don't trust me.
Me: Listen Client Co Counsel... I really don't think we need to ask anyone else to come to these depositions. You're really wasting resources at this time.
Client Co Counsel: I think we should seriously deposition her. We could just ask her all types of questions like " Don't you think if you allow your daughter to be a whore, you're just enabling her?"
Yeah, that's going to go over well. I bet we'll get tons of information from that question. I'm sure she'll immediately open up and sing like a bird once we not only accuse her daughter of being a whore, but also accuse her of enabling it. Leave the lawyering to me. What I'd love to really counter with is -
"Don't you think having tons of unprotected sex with this whore was enabling her more than her own mother's ignorance???"
Crap. Maybe I should stop going to my doctors and telling them I don't need their expert opinion anymore because I've already web md'd it and know what I have. I just needed them to affirm my self diagnosis.
I bet they think the same way of me as I do Client Co Counsel.
Well, I need some annoyance realization stat for Mr. Client Co Counsel.
Where was the class in law school that explains how to deal with Client Co Counsel? Perhaps someone could have a CLE on this. I'd certainly love that one!
He is typically a smart man with a job where he's constantly in command... or looked to for his intelligence and advice.(Note - Not legal advice because he's never set foot in law school). He normally has more than the average college education. He is smart and he often says "I could have been a lawyer."
This person sends you an email every hour explaining how he thinks he could win the case.
He writes his own motions even though these motions don't really exist. He bases his Motion on your previous motions then adds in his own information with your writing style attached.
He writes out questions for you for trial using the style you sent to him. Though he doesn't understand that with your 3 years of education in law school... there's a different way you question different types of witnesses so you can't use the same style for everyone.
He calls the office within 5 minutes of each email to see if you have received his six emails he's sent regarding who should go first in trial, why they should go first, what you should ask them, and how you should do it.
He comes into your office with 15 folders full of evidence that not only is useless but time consuming. (Cha ching).
He asks for your advice then continuously ignores it.
He laughs when you call him co counsel to his face.
What he doesn't understand is that in your head... the entire time he thinks he's helping YOU do YOUR job... you're screaming... I didn't spend 4 years in college and 3 years in law school for you to come in after watching one too many law and orders and reading 100 of my emails thinking you can tell me what to do. I didn't ask my professors for their advice on how to word my motions and I certainly don't want your advice.
Don't get me wrong. I get that this is your life. I get that you are smart. What I don't get is how you think you can spend your time thinking up questions, witnesses lists, stalk your witnesses, and creating exhibits without realizing that you're monopolozing my job and making me feel like you don't trust me.
Me: Listen Client Co Counsel... I really don't think we need to ask anyone else to come to these depositions. You're really wasting resources at this time.
Client Co Counsel: I think we should seriously deposition her. We could just ask her all types of questions like " Don't you think if you allow your daughter to be a whore, you're just enabling her?"
Yeah, that's going to go over well. I bet we'll get tons of information from that question. I'm sure she'll immediately open up and sing like a bird once we not only accuse her daughter of being a whore, but also accuse her of enabling it. Leave the lawyering to me. What I'd love to really counter with is -
"Don't you think having tons of unprotected sex with this whore was enabling her more than her own mother's ignorance???"
Crap. Maybe I should stop going to my doctors and telling them I don't need their expert opinion anymore because I've already web md'd it and know what I have. I just needed them to affirm my self diagnosis.
I bet they think the same way of me as I do Client Co Counsel.
Well, I need some annoyance realization stat for Mr. Client Co Counsel.
Where was the class in law school that explains how to deal with Client Co Counsel? Perhaps someone could have a CLE on this. I'd certainly love that one!
Friday, May 20, 2011
This is my day to let off steam
Speaking of Steam.. Let me introduce you to Ninja Pooper.
He's about 45 pounds and looks like a cross between a walrus and buddah. He'd be the little fatty that belongs to my boss. He drools, he snorts, he barks when you have food, he smells, and he takes his daily satisfaction in pissing and pooping in my office. At the same time, his pudgy little demeanor and stinky ways add a bit tension relief in the office...
How can you be angry with the world when there is a Buddah Walrus waddling his way into your office?!
He just pooped behind my chair.
It's the second time today.
Ninja Pooper, you're on the shit list.
I don't think he cares. Actually, in between snorts... I think I heard ...
"If I were agile enough, I'd poop on your shit list."
He's about 45 pounds and looks like a cross between a walrus and buddah. He'd be the little fatty that belongs to my boss. He drools, he snorts, he barks when you have food, he smells, and he takes his daily satisfaction in pissing and pooping in my office. At the same time, his pudgy little demeanor and stinky ways add a bit tension relief in the office...
How can you be angry with the world when there is a Buddah Walrus waddling his way into your office?!
He just pooped behind my chair.
It's the second time today.
Ninja Pooper, you're on the shit list.
I don't think he cares. Actually, in between snorts... I think I heard ...
"If I were agile enough, I'd poop on your shit list."
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Lady Hearsay, Attorney at Law
I'm a hopeless romantic... that works in the funeral home of love.
That doesn't sum me up, but it does explain this blog. I graduated law school recently and have been working as an associate at Divorce Drama Inc. (haha no that's really NOT the name of my firm). I like my job. I really do. There are just times when I find my job so unbelievable... that I need an outlet.
There are things in law school that they don't tell you. They wouldn't tell you because if they did, you wouldn't take out that house size of a loan, dress in all black (because you must be serious in order to get a job), and think that after you get out of the torture of three years of feeling like a moron ... that you had finally succeeded simply because YOU and maybe 10% of your class have a JOB!!! These deep dark secrets will be revealed slowly as I describe to you what I found out. (Sorry Law School Grads of 2011, you're screwed).
There are classes I think that the law schools around the world should offer like "Know It All Client's" and "Surprise! Your First Trial is Today!" ...
Then there are the clients you need to meet: "Miss. Apeshit", "Mr. Co-Counsel" , "Mr. He/She"... you'll learn more about these later.
In sum, my entire blog here is somewhere for me to get out my deepest darkest thoughts as I stare into my chocolate martini and wonder why my clients feel it is okay to tell me about their nastiest sex fantasies and what their exes won't do... and ponder how my life with it's irritations and upsets... also has a sense of awesomeness that makes it truly unique.
Soap operas have nothin' on divorce court... to be continued.
That doesn't sum me up, but it does explain this blog. I graduated law school recently and have been working as an associate at Divorce Drama Inc. (haha no that's really NOT the name of my firm). I like my job. I really do. There are just times when I find my job so unbelievable... that I need an outlet.
There are things in law school that they don't tell you. They wouldn't tell you because if they did, you wouldn't take out that house size of a loan, dress in all black (because you must be serious in order to get a job), and think that after you get out of the torture of three years of feeling like a moron ... that you had finally succeeded simply because YOU and maybe 10% of your class have a JOB!!! These deep dark secrets will be revealed slowly as I describe to you what I found out. (Sorry Law School Grads of 2011, you're screwed).
There are classes I think that the law schools around the world should offer like "Know It All Client's" and "Surprise! Your First Trial is Today!" ...
Then there are the clients you need to meet: "Miss. Apeshit", "Mr. Co-Counsel" , "Mr. He/She"... you'll learn more about these later.
In sum, my entire blog here is somewhere for me to get out my deepest darkest thoughts as I stare into my chocolate martini and wonder why my clients feel it is okay to tell me about their nastiest sex fantasies and what their exes won't do... and ponder how my life with it's irritations and upsets... also has a sense of awesomeness that makes it truly unique.
Soap operas have nothin' on divorce court... to be continued.
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