Client Co Counsel

I'd like to introduce you to the most painful client you'll ever have to deal with.  This guy is the most button pressing, hair pulling, dictating, pain in the butt client you could ever meet. He is the one that not only feels he is as smart as you (if not smarter) but also monopolizes your time. He's the Needy Client Co Counsel.

He is typically a smart man with a job where he's constantly in command... or looked to for his intelligence and advice.(Note - Not legal advice because he's never set foot in law school). He normally has more than the average college education. He is smart and he often says "I could have been a lawyer."

This person sends you an email every hour explaining how he thinks he could win the case.

He writes his own motions even though these motions don't really exist. He bases his Motion on your previous motions then adds in his own information with your writing style attached.

He writes out questions for you for trial using the style you sent to him. Though he doesn't understand that with your 3 years of education in law school... there's a different way you question different types of witnesses so you can't use the same style for everyone.

He calls the office within 5 minutes of each email to see if you have received his six emails he's sent regarding who should go first in trial, why they should go first, what you should ask them, and how you should do it.

He comes into your office with 15 folders full of evidence that not only is useless but time consuming. (Cha ching).

He asks for your advice then continuously ignores it.

He laughs when you call him co counsel to his face.

What he doesn't understand is that in your head... the entire time he thinks he's helping YOU do YOUR job... you're screaming... I didn't spend 4 years in college and 3 years in law school for you to come in after watching one too many law and orders and reading 100 of my emails thinking you can tell me what to do. I didn't ask my professors for their advice on how to word my motions and I certainly don't want your advice.

Don't get me wrong. I get that this is your life. I get that you are smart. What I don't get is how you think you can spend your time thinking up questions, witnesses lists, stalk your witnesses, and creating exhibits without realizing that you're monopolozing my job and making me feel like you don't trust me.

Me: Listen Client Co Counsel... I really don't think we need to ask anyone else to come to these depositions. You're really wasting resources at this time.

Client Co Counsel: I think we should seriously deposition her. We could just ask her all types of questions like " Don't you think if you allow your daughter to be a whore, you're just enabling her?"

Yeah, that's going to go over well. I bet we'll get tons of information from that question. I'm sure she'll immediately open up and sing like a bird once we not only accuse her daughter of being a whore, but also accuse her of enabling it. Leave the lawyering to me.  What I'd love to really counter with is -

"Don't you think having tons of unprotected sex with this whore was enabling her more than her own mother's ignorance???"

Crap. Maybe I should stop going to my doctors and telling them I don't need their expert opinion anymore because I've already web md'd it and know what I have. I just needed them to affirm my self diagnosis.

I bet they think the same way of me as I do Client Co Counsel.

Well, I need some annoyance realization stat for Mr. Client Co Counsel.

Where was the class in law school that explains how to deal with Client Co Counsel?  Perhaps someone could have a CLE on this. I'd certainly love that one!