Midol doesn't fix crazy

Here is your mid-week comedy. There are two other lawyers in our office besides Madame Hearsay and myself. One of which takes on the most destitute cases, you’d think he definitely drew the short straw when it came to his Lawyerdom. (That’s kingdom in lawyer land). We refer to this lawyer as Prince Pro Bono due to his soft heart and lack of finances pouring in from the craziest clients you’ll ever meet.

Prince Pro Bono is very handsome with a beautiful wife. Let’s call her Princess Pro Bono. She’s extremely smart and working in a lucrative male dominated realm, yet still finds the time every day to come have a healthy, stinky fied lunch with Prince Pro Bono every day. They’re both gorgeous and in shape and completely intelligent.

Now Prince Pro Bono is taking on these terrible cases knowing they lack the funding. He continues to stay on these cases even though these people only pay $200.00 and then never ever bring in another dime. He should clearly be on some charity list as the best lawyer who ever lived. Not one of these clients understands exactly how good of a deal they are getting though. They seem to think that every lawyer would take their phone calls and show up for court when they stopped paying two years beforehand and never show any intentions of paying.

To illustrate how wonderful and good hearted this guy is, I’m going to tell you a little story:

Insane With A Cane or “IWC” for short stumbled into our office one afternoon while my desk had yet to be moved to my new office. I was side by side with the legal assistant Princess Prima Donna.  This often lead to people walking up to me first and asking me for information regarding legal services and having direct access to their lawyer without appointments or any type of boundary for me.

I was slightly put off by his appearance. He dressed in a ratty old Goodyear shirt, gray shorts, dirty old sneakers, and had the general shape of a walrus walking on two feet. He resembled the Boss in the Sonic the Hedgehog games, except that he was dirty with a homeless aura around him. He used a cane to walk and moved very slowly. (This is a very good factor as we can get up and lock the door before he knocks since he has a tendency to show up without calling first.) Then he began to talk. His voice was thick with the sound of smoking for many years.

IWC: “Is Prince Pro Bono here? I need to meet with him. I’m getting a divorce”

Princess Prima Donna: “He’ll be back from court soon, just wait outside in the hallway.”

Normally, this is where the client fills out paperwork and leaves everyone alone. He steps outside only to return a few minutes later.

IWC: “You know, I don’t want the divorce. My wife does. I guess she doesn’t want me around anymore. However, I have to say she doesn’t even know how good she’s got it. She won’t do things with me that other men would make her do so fast. Those boys in the country, they don’t play, they’ll make her go down on them. I’m just protecting her. I’m going to show her. I’m on them dating sites, like where I met her. I’m going to get a girlfriend from another country… again”

He goes in for his appointment. We’re slightly disturbed but it gets worse. He returns a few days later. Again, without an appointment…(I pretend that I’m taking notes to give to Pro Bono when in reality… I’m writing down the whole story!)

IWC: “I need to see Prince Pro Bono. I’m concerned for my children. My wife… you know she gets crazy during that time of the month, if you know what I mean. I know the Judge is going to Order her to take her pills. He’s going to Order her to take that Midol. I know this because she’s crazy without it. I keep her sane now because I’ll break up those pills and mix them into her coffee. I can’t do that now!”

Princess Prima Donna: “Prince Pro Bono is not here and the Judge is not going to Order her to take Midol. Midol doesn’t fix crazy.”

He waits for Prince Pro Bono. Turns out not only is he concerned for that time of the month when it comes to his wife, but he’s also concerned because he’s decided he wants to become a woman. He has asked Prince Pro Bono to call him by his female name from now on and has already decided to start on hormone treatments to start growing breast and to create a softer appearance.

Yes, hormone treatments for a softer appearance. I don’t know how an overgrown walrus with a limp would look as a woman but I assure you it won’t be a pretty sight. We also learn that he has molested his daughter by kissing her and grabbing her breasts. His excuse being “I’m just showing you what to look out for when the other boys do it!”

His case is over. Total Paid: $700. He still comes by unannounced because now he’s living in a homeless shelter. (She got the house, the kids, and everything else except the Goodyear shirt off his back.) He now fears that he’ll get raped by some men at the shelter. I find this doubtful...